Sometimes its those things that you’re most afraid of that eventually become the most fulfilling things in life. For most of my life I have been a strong introvert. I was the quiet one in the corner, watching and listening and not really saying very much unless I was sitting with my one or two good friends then I would never shut up. I went to the occasional parties with my friends but those were few and far between and normally spent in the corner with the couple of other introverts in the room. I was the strange straight edge one, the one who didn’t drink or do drugs or smoke weed. Hell, for that matter I barely took aspirin when needed, let alone anything recreational.
Always a little bit strange, over the years my strangeness came more to the surface until it was almost surprising to hear that I was the introverted straight edge girl. When I got my dreads and especially in combination with my growing collection of tattoos, I was the one people thought of, upon first impression, as the stoner hippy. Surely once I got my horns and arm implants I had to be more crazy than I appeared; how could it be that I would much rather sit in a corner and read a book than go out to a crazy all night party? Yet, that’s who I was and that’s who I was comfortable being.
I have mentioned here before, my phobia regarding not being in control of self and how that was not only broken through, but entirely irradiated at the age of 27. I have mentioned before how gratifying an experience it was to know that such fear no longer controlled my life and would never again control my life. What I have not mentioned before, or not in great detail at least, is how much has changed to go along with it, directly and indirectly.
I am no longer that quiet introvert that I once was, hardly going out to be social. Now, it could be said, I am almost positively extroverted. Of course, I still tend to be rather quiet around people I don’t know, especially in groups, and I still need to recharge on my own. There are still those days when I positively cannot be around people, not because I’m having an especially bad day but simply because I need to recharge my batteries. But now I’m around people almost more often than not and I’m more comfortable being around people than I ever have been before. And…most shocking of all, I am enjoying the new lifestyle I find myself living.
My wonderful husband is to blame or to thank, to be more precise, because it is he that has helped me grow so much as a person. Not only have I gone out almost every Thursday since May to Organix, our local psytrance night, but I have also begun actually dancing. Dancing was yet one more thing I never thought I’d enjoy and was always just a little bit afraid to try, especially in front of other people. To learn to be comfortable in my own skin is a wonderful feeling and if I’m probably not anything resembling a good dancer, I just don’t really care.
Now, more than ever before, I feel alive and fulfilled in my life. I go out, once a week, to dance and party with all that such entails. I talk and socialize with people and its not so uncommon to not sleep until the early hours of the next morning. These activities, which I never used to understand let alone be drawn to, have become part of an ever more full and fulfilled life. In between the responsibilities of work and the quiet times spent with myself and my husband, I have these bright points of joy and release and find myself able, in a way never before imagined, to simply let go of everything and enjoy and experience. There is something visceral about being able to let go and simply dance and feel and experience.
The things I used to be so afraid of have become some of the things most important in my life as it is now. Never again will I go back to that shy and frightened girl who could not so much as lower a few barriers in order to relax and actually have fun. My mind is precious to me, but I learn that the trappings of the mind aren’t the only things worth pursing in the adventure of life. Now I fill my life with many different things on many different levels and find life to be something magical in ways I never realized it could be.